Wednesday, September 15, 2010

everyone has their story...

(this is part of mine…)

I grew up in a small town where I spent all of my time focused on making good grades so I could go to college. I went to college, I feel like I lived my life without making too many terrible choices, and I graduated. I never wanted to get older and regret missing out, or constantly wonder about “what-ifs” - those things terrified me.

After all, when I went to college I was dating my high school boyfriend, the only boy I had dated. That terror, of not knowing anything else, of missing out on experiences, was a driving force in my decision to break up with him. I knew that the life I was going to end up with, unless I changed it, was going to be exactly what I didn’t want.

Through four years of college I had to keep telling myself that if I wasn’t in control of where my life was going, no one else was either. After I graduated I had to remind myself in order to get the things I wanted I needed to be pro-active. I have a degree in Broadcasting, I focused on writing, and working at a daycare wasn’t going to cut it. The economy sucked, but I got lucky and got a job in my field.

Now, if only I could reign in other aspects of my personal life…

That’s when out of nowhere I met this incredible, amazing guy. It was ridiculous how much I enjoyed spending time with Jason, even the first night we met and hung out with friends. Everything was different, I felt like I was right where I was supposed to be.

And at the same time, I had recently grown into the mindset that I didn’t need to get so interested in any boy that quickly, allowing vulnerability so fast, so easily. People can be incredibly horrid to one another. One of my friends made the statement (I’m sure they got it from something else) ”the person who has the most power in a relationship is the person that cares the least” - and as horrible as that sounds, it’s true… sort of.

In a good relationship things are equal, how much two people care about one another. When relationships get tried and tested, and aren’t so “good,” when one person decides that they are less invested it’s terrifying. If you’re the one who is still giving it 110% and the other person is at maybe 50%, then you’re basically being made a fool of and need to save yourself the trouble. However, our heads and our hearts don’t always cooperate, and those relationships continue (believe me, I know… I dealt with that for far too long.)

So, with all of these thoughts floating around in my head, I had met this boy. If he didn’t like me, then that would be easy to handle. If he felt the same, even easier and much more perfect. But if he kind of liked me, and didn’t really know what he wanted, well I was probably screwed for being so silly.

In short: what I didn’t know was that Jason was dating someone, so that factor was not taken into account. I wasn’t particularly pleased to learn this, but he didn’t know me and I didn’t know him -our paths just happen to cross, there is zero control on what is happening in someone you don’t know’s life.

So, paths crossed, lives in motion as they tend to be, we went on separately… that didn’t last long. We were both too intrigued by the other person to just let that be it.

Everything was falling into place perfectly. We were graduates, we had jobs, we were happy. The downside was living apart… which we remedied when my lease ended in the summer.

This last year has been completely and amazingly insane.

I feel like my life is coming together. I’m happier than I have ever been. We’ve had amazing moments, we’ve had some not-so-amazing moments, but no matter what: I know I have someone there for me when it gets tough. I have found my person, and I don’t have to worry about anyone caring “less” or being “more powerful” because it’s not about power; a relationship is not about power, it’s about love. It’s about committing yourself to another person, it’s unique, it’s surreal; after all, there are billions of people on this planet, and for two people to find one another and to have that “Oh, there you are, I’ve been looking for you…” moment, and for the relationship to be healthy and happy, is amazing.

I’ve smiled and laughed more in the last 10 months than I thought was possible. The few times I’ve cried have not been the best moments, but things are going to happen; all relationships are tested on occasion. I know I would rather laugh (and cry a little) with my best friend, my amazing boyfriend than anyone else in the world. I know, I know I haven’t met everyone in the world - but I don’t want to, I don’t need to.

-ashley

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