Tuesday, May 11, 2010

we loved here.

July is getting closer. Those hot, sticky summer days aren’t going to be spent laying poolside or jogging at the water park track this year. July is going to be big; it’s going to end an entire chapter in my life, and begin a new one. I’m going to pack boxes full of books and clothes and move on.

As anxious and excited as I am to leave this town, where I’ve spent the last five years growing into this person that I am, I’m well aware of how sad it’s going to be. This past year has especially been quite the roller coaster. I really felt like I made a lot of changes, that I grew into a person that I want to be because I finally had some time to myself to figure a few things out.

For the first time in my whole life I felt like I had a brief period of time to jump in a few puddles, and realize that for the most part that while I can enjoy the rain on occasion, I don’t altogether like getting drenched. But how would I have ever known that if I spent all my time inside, avoiding life, and what wonderful, and even some terribly un-wonderful, things it had to offer?

I’m quite the curious sort… and I just don’t have it in me to just avoid the world, be its experiences good or bad. I love life. I love learning things first hand, so I can truly feel content with choices I make. The ability to learn resonates as being so human to me, and I embrace it constantly.

July means moving away from all of the good things I have found here, and some of the mistakes I have made, to something bigger than all of that.

I enjoy the job I have, most days, and the friends I do have here, although I don’t see them as much as I wish I did. I love that this is my college town, and if I choose to I can visit the gorgeous campus anytime I wish. College completely changed my life, for the better. I know a lot of people say that same thing, but it’s really true. It’s not nearly as much as going to class and being trained for a profession, but rather having the opportunity to see things differently than you did growing up, going to class is the “educational” part, supposedly. I honestly believe you learn just as much sitting on the lawn, reading books under trees on warm afternoons, as others toss footballs and play guitar nearby as you do going to parties, on dates, and to your meteorology labs.

 I’ll miss walking to downtown, only a few blocks away. It’s so pretty there. I was so excited to get to move into my apartment. The complex was originally built in the 70s, and something about older, renovated buildings is ridiculously charming to me. I’ve had a lot of fun nights in bars and coffee shops with friends on the square. I’ve had perfect afternoons just walking through downtown, past the fountain and under trees, and in and out of a few shops that are now long forgotten.

I’m even going to miss my apartment, that, while charming, I’ll be the first to admit it has never felt just right, as a proper home should. It still looks like whoever lives here just moved in a few weeks ago. There are a lot of empty walls and missing chairs. Not a single picture is displayed. I have no idea what has been wrong with me this year, but hanging photographs hasn’t felt right.

The past months spent here however, have been perfect. We loved here. Weekends are perfect, and anywhere could feel like home if I get to share the space with my other half. I think that’s part of the excitement of moving away from here, and in with him – oddly, his little space in the world radiates his style —he has extremely good taste, plus an understanding of space and what does and does not work both in print, and interiors— which is extremely similar to my own in a lot of ways. When I walk in his door it’s so him, but also I feel like there are so many things that are oddly me, aside from the birdcage that I bought and sat on the dining room table a few weeks ago. And in July it will be quite a unique mix of what is us.

I was always sensible enough to say I didn’t want to live with a boy, because chances were it would make a relationship harder. I think there was truth in that: I didn’t need to live with anyone before because it wasn’t right before. I’ve never dated a soul I didn’t have a disagreement with, or fight with, at the very least on occasion. I’ve never dated another person that the idea of being together for years didn’t sound like a scary trap – as horrible as I know that word makes it sound. For the first time I didn’t have any preconceived notions about what was or would be. Everything has miraculously fallen into place, and every day gets a little closer to what we want: the chance to say our “good mornings” in person, and drift into sleep at night in the same bed. This is much too big for me to simply outgrow, and it’s completely in motion in such a way that I don’t even think I could stop it if I wanted to; and oh, how I don’t want to!

I suppose when it comes down to it, I could miss these streets, and walls that make this apartment. I can miss standing at the top of campus and seeing the lights across town at night, and trains winding their tracks in the daylight. I can miss late nights down by the river, laughing and talking about silly choices we’ve made, and just how real ghosts may be. I can miss friends that I’ve made, and the places that I’ve made some of my fondest memories, but even if I leave the town, I will never forget how I grew here.

While that chapter of my life comes to a close I get something even better: on the other side of all that growing up, and turning into someone, I have met someone as crazy as I am, we’re crazy about each other, and we’re more than just me, or him; and after a lot of growing, and growing up, we’re right where we belong. He has the best laugh, and sweetest soul. I wish I could thank every girl who ever set him free, because they had no idea what they had; and I’m glad, because he’s everything I want and need. I suppose I’m a bit over the moon. I’ve never had this kind of happiness rushing through my veins.

He will always make my heart beat a little faster when he walks into a room, and his words will always have the ability to take my breath away.

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